Lesson 4 // Thoughts to Words
RE LEARN
Before you begin: let’s take a few deep, grounding breaths. Place one hand on your heart and the other on your stomach, close your eyes, breathe in deep, hold, direct your awareness to your heart, and release. Repeat until you feel centered and relaxed.
Our destiny begins with our thoughts. In the quote above, Lao Tzu outlines how our thoughts directly impact our destiny. The first step in our thoughts becoming our destiny is our thoughts impacting our words, and then impacting our actions, our habits, our character, and finally our future. This is neither bad nor good. It just is. If we bring our awareness to our thoughts, we can ultimately begin to notice how they impact our words, actions, and so on. With the power of this awareness, we can make micro and macro adjustments in the direction of balance and authenticity as we see fit and notice opportunities for evolution. This is how we empower ourselves to own our active role in creating our lives in our authentic image.
Like our thoughts, what we say is incredibly powerful and just like our thoughts, our words can plant flowers or our words can plant weeds. What we say reflects how we are thinking - our beliefs, fears, ideas, etc. In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us, “Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” Speaking with integrity, intentionality, truth and love plants flowers. Speaking with hatred, a lack of integrity, against yourself, and gossiping, plants weeds. Awareness is our ultimate tool in planting and watering the flowers with our thoughts and words.
Have you ever heard the saying, "what Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally?" This means that our speech is a reflection of us, even more so than of what we are speaking about. How we reflect ourselves through our words, applies to our speech just as it does someone else's speech.
For example:
Let’s say someone told their friend that they thought I was ugly. This doesn’t so much reflect my beauty, but rather reflects the limit and inability for the person who called me ugly to embrace others’ beauty without feeling threatened by it or acknowledge the beauty in each and every thing and that beauty is deeper than superficial appearances. Or let’s say after being wronged by someone, I was able to speak about them with forgiveness and understanding. This doesn’t so much reflect that they asked for forgiveness, provided me with a lens to understand why they wronged me, or that I would trust them again, but rather reflects my ability to forgive and understand.
In either example, we can work backwards - Who do I want to be? Someone judgmental or unforgiving or do I want to be someone who is loving and forgiving? If I want to be loving and forgiving, then we can ask ourselves - What would the habits of someone who is loving and forgiving be? What would their actions be? What would they say? What would they think? This is incredibly useful for us if we notice we want to redirect or realign our words and thoughts with who we are and how we want to be. To explore this deeper in your own context, pause and consider those questions and record your answers.
Our awareness allows us to notice how we might be using our words in a rather sloppy, meaningless, unintentional, or unaware way. Using our word impeccably also means being aware of when we are saying words that are not aligned with our authenticity. Our awareness also allows us to notice how we are using our words impeccably, intentionally, and meaningfully. With all of this awareness, we can choose what thoughts and words we feed with more intentionality by pausing and redirecting in the moment of awareness.
When we are not speaking precisely, with truth and love, we close ourselves off. If we are talking to someone and say something that indicates that we are judgmental, we close ourselves off from connecting with and understanding that person deeper, beyond our own limits, understanding, or conditions. We would miss out on the beautiful exchange that happens when we meet people who challenge and invite us to expand beyond our comfort zone, limits, and pre-existing conceptions. When we speak in a way that is open and loving, we experience just that by being open, inviting ourselves and others to expand through our interaction. “Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost,” - Khalil Gibran. In order to feed love and openness, which are fundamental to not only our well-being but the well-being of our relationships and lives, being impeccable with our word is essential. If we speak unintentionally and say things we don’t mean, we close and lose that unconditional love that is always available. If we withhold from saying what we really want to say and mean, we close and lose the unconditional love that is always available if we are open to it. We may notice the ways our thoughts, patterns, beliefs, and ideas close us off from unconditional love; with that awareness, we can choose to feed unconditional love rather than closedness or conditional love. Our awareness allows us to observe our speech and notice what we are feeding or losing with our words. From there, we can get curious and explore why we are speaking the way we are. Are we speaking from fear? Old conditioning? Beliefs that no longer serve us? Or are we speaking from love? Optimism? Understanding? If we notice we are not speaking with integrity, in the direction of truth and love, we are speaking against ourselves or another, then this tells us how we are thinking, consciously and subconsciously. We use our awareness and reflection to make adjustments, and then act in alignment with the integrity of our word. This allows us to demonstrate compassion and understanding for ourselves and others, remain open, and feed unconditional love.
Other times, we may say empty words, make empty promises. Say we’re talking with our friend and they invite us to do something with them over the weekend. It sounds fun so we give them our word, without considering the commitment we are making. We may even forget about the obligation. When the day rolls around, we are reminded of our commitment, and we realize we are not going to keep the commitment, we cause ourselves and our friend to suffer. This is an example of a thought (I'd like to do this), that becomes your words (I will do this), with your action (not following through) that can become a habit ("flaking") and your character (being unreliable or untrustworthy). All of this can be avoided with awareness. When we pause in the moment when our friend invites us, with awareness we can choose our words impeccably while considering and honouring our needs and our friend’s time. We can say, "That sounds fun. I will let you know tonight if I can commit.” This gives us the time and space to not only make sure our calendar is free but also we are feeling up to it.
Instead of being hard on ourselves for being loose with our words, we show compassion and we move in the direction of truth and love. In the case of not keeping our commitment to our friend, we take accountability for our unconscious words and are completely honest with them. We tell them, “I’m sorry for not keeping my commitment. I shouldn’t have committed to you unless I was 100% sure. I am working on being more intentional with my words.” We also get inquisitive, honest, and loving about where these words and thoughts are coming from. Maybe we realized we flaked on this person for any number of reasons. We get to the source. From there we can act in alignment with this inner knowing and accept, forgive, release, let go, and more forward. That way we do not repeat this action again; it doesn’t become a habit nor our character nor our destiny.
Whether it's being unable to acknowledge someone’s beauty or unable to keep a commitment, when we are objectively aware of our words, and what they are telling us about how we are thinking, we can take accountability. Maybe we think that someone else’s beauty (superficial or deep) implies the absence of our own. Maybe we have a fear of missing out or letting people down and so we overcommit even if it means we are going to be unhappy or disappoint someone. Whatever it is that our awareness and honest reflection indicates, we can compassionately help ourselves expand past these limitations so we can open once more in the direction of understanding and love. From there, again, we act authentically in alignment with what we notice and know - because that is what will always benefit us and anyone else involved in the long run.
If our awareness shows us that we are stuck in a negative thought pattern, beliefs, etc., we can use our words in the form of affirmations in the direction of truth and love. Doing so helps us to consciously shift that thinking by aligning to statements that we want to affirm as our truth. In the presentation example from Overthinking, we actually used affirmations: “ I free myself from worry” and “I know everything will turn out for the best.” These are statements that align with the direction we want to move in, how we want to feel, what we want to be thinking. Affirmations are statements we repeat, and by repeating them we affirm them to ourselves as a state of mind to align to. As we say them, we visualize and feel what we are saying. We can use our words to empower ourselves in whatever situation.
For example:
If we notice we have a belief/fear that someone else’s beauty/achievements/success implies an absence or lack in ourselves, we can say, “Someone else’s beauty is not the lack of my beauty. I am beautiful. My beauty does not depend on others’ acknowledgment or standards; it is inherent. Because I see my own beauty, I see and admire beauty in everyone and everything. It is not a threat to me. Acknowledging others’ beauty makes me more confident and more beautiful.” You can replace beauty with whatever resonates for you.
As Lao Tzu reminds us, what we say becomes what we do. By consciously and intentionally choosing our words to shift us in the direction we want to move, they become our actions, habits, character, and destiny. The more we practice awareness, and in practicing, strengthen our awareness, the more these things can shift into alignment, openness, truth and love starting at the primary, subtle level of our thoughts. This alignment creates harmony, bringing us centeredness, clarity, and confidence with which we can more through our lives. What we feed is what we receive. When we are open to life and all of the inevitable challenges and blessings it brings, we begin to feel less resistant or clingy on our path.
It all begins in the mind.
REFLECT
Answer the following questions in your notebook, a piece of paper, or record yourself talking through your answers on your phone and read over or listen to your answers when you’re done.
Dig Deep. Be honest. Be compassionate. Be objective. Take responsibility and accountability. It is of no help for us to be judgmental of ourselves or direct blame elsewhere. You got this!
1. What ways do I notice my thoughts and beliefs (conscious and subconscious) affecting my words? When do I plant flowers with my words? When do I plant weeds?
2. If the words I speak are the "house" I live in, what does my home currently look and feel like?
3. How impeccable with my word am I? Where can I make more room for this? How?
4. How do I feel when I speak in ways that are impeccable?
5. When I notice I am not speaking with integrity, in the direction of truth, love, and openness or when I am speaking against myself or another, what is this telling me about how I’m thinking and my mindset? How can I use my awareness to get to the root of this? How will doing so help me remove these weeds?
6. How will strengthening my awareness, compassion, and honesty about my thoughts and words change the “house” I am living in for the better?
RE DO
Zero Complaints for 24 Hours!
1. For the next 24 hours, we are using our awareness to be impeccable with our words by not complaining. Verbally or in our thoughts.
You may notice some thoughts popping up in your mind about this exercise like, "that's stupid", "I don't need to, I don't complain", "that's really difficult", "there's so much in my life worth complaining about". Whatever those are, notice them, take a breath, and we're going to do the exercise anyway.
2. Record your sentiments about the exercise before you begin. Whatever those may be.
3. Throughout these 24 hours, when you notice a complaint forming (verbally or in your thoughts), catch it with your awareness. You can make a fun little game out of this, trying to catch the most obvious and the tiniest little complaints. When you notice it, pause and use your awareness to see from a higher perspective.
Like the exercise in the previous lesson, get curious about what you are feeling, the story you are telling yourself that is feeding the weed of this complaint, and try to expand to see the full truth of this situation beyond your immediate perception and judgment.
Ask yourself, "If I expand past this point of view that fuels the complaint forming, what else can I see about this situation? What can I be grateful for right now, at this moment?
Finally, determine if there is something you can do to change and improve the situation. If there is, take action.
(You may want to write this instruction down so you can remember what to do when you notice a complaint forming in your thoughts or when you are about to or are in the middle of voicing a complaint.)
When we focus on gratitude, we open ourselves to the entirety of the situation and life. When we complain, we close ourselves off. The next 24 hours are about using our awareness to remain open the entire day, especially when we are closing. (If you had any doubts about the impact this exercise will actually have, do it and you will see just how important and impactful it is when you choose to remain open in the face of closing.)
4. Record your sentiments about the exercise after completing it. Reflect on what you noticed and how you felt throughout this period of not complaining, the challenges that arose and how you handled them. What changed in the way you handled them? How can you bring this practice into your everyday life?
*Note: There is a difference between complaining and acknowledging something we wish to be different and doing something about it. This exercise is meant to bring awareness to the tendency to close ourselves through our word with something like complaining and how we benefit from remaining open, even in difficult, unpleasant, or uncomfortable situations. Complaining is unproductive; complaining for the sake of complaining resolves nothing. When we use our awareness in these situations, we can acknowledge things that need a productive solution. With our ability to pause, be aware, and take inventory of the entire situation, we can openly, compassionately, and productively move forward for resolution.
In Your Day-to-Day
Your thoughts impact your words, actions, habits, character and destiny
Your words reflect your thoughts, beliefs, fears, and judgments
When you speak with integrity, intentionality, truth, and love you plant flowers with your words (which then empowers your actions, habits, character, and destiny to plant flowers as well)
Using your awareness you can make micro and macro adjustments in the direction of balance, openness, understanding, and authenticity
By defining who and how you want to be, you can use your awareness to notice when your words (actions, habits, and character) are unaligned with that
Use your words, like affirmations, to align you to what you want, elevate your thoughts and feelings, and keep you centered and on your path
Use the zero complaints beyond the 24 hours and adjust this practice to notice anytime your words are out of alignment with who and how you want to be
